I have a theory about men, commitment, and umbrellas.

This is a theory I developed a few years ago. I have managed to convince a few people too. Now, I have done no ACTUAL research on this but, come on, this is the internet and I can write whatever I want.

So, you’re young and wild and free, but time is ticking on and you’re maybe starting to think about what your life is going to look like when you’re in your 30s. Are you going to get married?? Will it be to the person you just started dating? Are they thinking about that too? Are they even ready to be in a long term relationship?!? And fuck! according to your 10 year plan, if you want to have kids by 32 you’re already behind!!!!!

Well Auntie Jess is here to help you out with a little wisdom, and it’s about umbrellas.

The theory is super simple, and goes like this. You can know a guy is in a place where he is ready for a proper committed relationship if he has a really good quality, large umbrella.

david becjham

Look at David Beckham here. He’s been happily married for years, and that’s a lovely umbrella.

So let me break it down. If a guy has an umbrella like this, it signifies to me (who is obviously an expert) 3 qualities: patience, commitment and the ability to forward-plan.


Having a big umbrella is a bit of an inconvenience really. It’s bulky, easily forgotten under a pub table and you manage to whack everyone on the leg with it as you walk down the bus. So carrying about an umbrella like this requires patience. And, even though it might be subconscious for now, he’s doing this for you! A big umbrella means space for 2 people. You can stroll happily arm in arm down a country lane. It shows a guy is willing to put up with some annoying stuff for the right reasons.

2. Commitment 

Big, good quality umbrellas are not cheap. However they can last a lifetime if you treat them right (ha-ha you see where I’m going here, don’t you?). That’s a commitment purchase. They’ll spend a lot here because they know, this is the umbrella for them. Brands and design not important but obviously give an indication of taste.

3. Forward Planning

As previously mentioned, big umbrellas are annoying. You can’t just have them in your bag all the time ready for when it might rain. You’ve got to check the weather and actively decide whether to take it. This guy is thinking toward the future and acting accordingly.


You might say to me, but Jess, my boyfriend has a little pop-up umbrella, that’s good right? I’m sorry, but no. He’s not got any room for you under there! You’re going to be clutching his arm, stumbling behind as he strides along, all smug and dry while the run-off is smearing your rimmel mascara.

A short pop-up umbrella is like a tinder date. They’re disposable, lost after 2 uses and easily traded in for a better one 2 weeks later.


‘What about a really good quality rain coat?!’, I hear you cry. Again, he’s not thinking about you when he’s bringing his rain coat. He’s only thinking about himself and leaving you out in the pouring rain to die alone (lol sorry that got dark).

Even Kanye holds an umbrella for his lady.

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Spend The Day In The Rain

At the end of the day, big umbrella says ‘family man’ and you know it.

And that’s it! Simple. So next time you’re at your bfs house, have a peak in his cupboard and your future will be revealed.

You’re welcome.

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